Sex, Lies, and Ron Weasley's Worst Nightmare

Craig Blip on the Bathroom Gaydar
This week, news broke that Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd conduct towards an undercover officer in a men’s bathroom in June. Allegedly, Craig tapped his foot and engaged in a number of other signals commonly used to initiate sex. Craig originally pleaded guilty to the charges, but now regrets his statement. “I am not gay,” Craig said, “It is a sad day for our country when you can’t even stand in the privacy of your own bathroom stall and tap your foot while humming the DreamGirls soundtrack.”

Hsu’s Clues: Shady Source of Funds Revealed
Democratic candidates vying for the presidential nomination have turned away thousands of campaign funds indirectly received from Norman Hsu, who turned himself in after years spent avoiding serving a sentence for grand theft. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have both donated Hsu’s contributions to charity; John Edwards has contributed the entirety of his lofty share to the “Exile Style Foundation,” a new organization dedicated to giving expensive haircuts to cosmetically deprived fugitives and founded in response to the alarming state of Hsu’s ‘do:



“Hey, check out the catarack on that one!”
A new study has found that the elderly engage in more sexual activity than anyone ever thought or wanted to think about. After stopping their collective cringing, readers realized the fallacies in this report when the only source cited was “The Girls Next Door.”

Weapons of Mass Construction Hit Too Close to Home
Scientists have uncovered a gigantic spider web near Dallas, Texas. The infrastructure is strong, formed by many difference Iraqnid cells cooperating together. Alarmed by their weapons of mass construction, the state of Texas has deployed troops to the area. Freddie Gowan, park ranger, was cited in the NYT confirming that terrorism is not limited to one area, but a serious threat plaguing even the freest acres: “[The spiders] are spreading out for sure. They’re going to take over.” Given the increased tension between the Iraqnids and the U.S., a recent web video circulated by the say that if capture is imminent for Osama bin Long-Legged, his body guards would kill him.

The Second Coming (Now with 50% less locusts then the leading Bible brands)

So, I realize that I’ve almost taken as long to return as Alberto Gonzalas has to resign, but finally those two happy events have come. I apologize for the hiatus, but now that I settled back into peddling on the streets and being graded on my ability to create misinformed, pretentious, and naïve preconceptions of the world as a poor college student, the steady stream of updates should continues once more. Also, I’m a little rusty, so please laugh at all my jokes, at least in comment form if not internally or out loud.

Last Wednesday a severe thunderstorm tore through Brooklyn, unleashing a tornado in its path. The storm released three inches of rain on the borough, caused severe damage to several structures, killed one woman and injured many others. The city is in shock after such an unexpected incident. Presidential hopeful and former New York City mayor Rudy Guiliani changed his campaign strategy in response to the devastation. During a recent visit in Massachussets, Guiliani was heard saying during a speech, “Mayor Bloomberg has nothing on me. When I was mayor and times got rough, the people of New York looked to me for help and support, and I gave it too them 100%. When storms terrorized our nation, trying to cripple our city and our spirit, I personally jumped in front of every storm to stop it. I was at the ground zero of every tornado that came through New York more often than meteorologists themselves.”

A California man remains unhappy with the outcome of a court hearing regarding his questionable intentions toward children. Jack McClellan, who ran a website stocked with photos of children in public places and too-friendly descriptions of his affection for them, was ordered to stay away from children by a judge. He has since decided to leave the state. McClellan, who merrily called himself “Big Brother” on his site, is cited in USA Today as saying, ironically, “I can’t live under this Orwellian protocol” in response to his departure. He was then heard muttering under his breath, “This is double-plus unfair!” McClellan defends the innocence of his actions, saying it was therapeutic and helped him release emotions in a way “that kiddy porn just couldn’t do.”

Scientists released the results of a study this week indicating that they could induce out-of-body experiences. The study attempts to debunk the myth that OBEs result from religious or paranormal phenomena. So, to prove the “naturalness” of such experiences, scientists used virtual goggles to simulate them. Using said goggles, experimenters projected an image of the subject before the subject’s eyes and then proceeded to poke both the virtual image and the subject in the same spot using a stick. The subjects reported a strange, disconnected feeling of disorientation, especially after the experiments missed and accidentally poked them in the head with stick, instead of the abdomen.

The popular online social network Facebook has revealed its intention to begin using targeted ads on its website. The ads will not only increase availability regarding the online activities of one’s Facebook friends, but aim for specialization to each user depending on various factors, such as their interests or the types of groups they join. Concerns regarding privacy have surfaced, but eMarketer analyst Deborah Williamson says such innovation is tantamount to the news feed released on the site last year, which she said disgruntled users “quickly got over.” Facebook hopes for the same reaction later this year when it renames the site as “TheStalker.com” and adds the “I Don’t Have Real Friends” Application, which allows users to connect to others specifically interested in Facebook-only friendships in order to gain personal satisfaction. Preliminary research on the application shows that self-esteem and confidence correctly positively with the number of Facebook friends one has in 100% of users tested.

Iran has reportedly created a 2,000 pound “smart” bomb that possesses long-range capabilities. But don’t worry my fellow citizens; Iran is only going to use this bomb against their enemies. We can’t be on the invite list to the nuclear doomsday fete, considering they’ll be using our own homemade aircrafts to deploy them! What happens if one of these planes breaks down in between world domination? Let me tell you, Iranians known perfectly well that their 2-for-1-oil change coupon certainly won’t come in handy if we’re all blown to bits!

Lastly, I’d like to shameless promote what I think is one of the best news magazines around – Slate. These writers achieve what I struggle at, so check the site out for more entertaining and much more credible stories than I can provide.

Just a quick update to say...there is no update. At least not this week, and possibly not the following week later. I am leaving for the great outdoors of Colorado tomorrow to test everything I've ever learned from Bear Grylls. So, when the going gets rough, I'll be sure to tough it out on those awful satin sheets in a nice hotel. But I'll make sure to drink my own urine for hydration for the camera, first.

Then, after my week-long excursion of building railroads, forest rangering, constructing log cabins with my bare hands, and civilizin' the wild west, I'm getting the heck out of Dodge and returning again to Lawrence for another taste of all that education stuff.

So, fear not you few, loyal readers. I will return, once I figure out how to navigate white water rapids and how to ride my valiant stead courageously through the wild forest trail at a painfully slow (but nonetheless dangerous!) speed behind all the other urbanite tourists on the two-hour horseback riding trip.