September 26, 2008

State Portmanteaus Directed Towards the Appropriate Denizens




Rude Island





I am suspending further posts as fast as you can say presidential debate to serve my country, or rather county, or, rather, campus, or maybe just the three people who read the Kansan by writing jokes for that student rag all semester. My loyalties lie elsewhere for the time being, so my infrequent posts will become non-existent here. Comfort yourself knowing that I am doing my part to keep the peace and liberty in this country one joke at a time, insuring with my dull wit that we can still live in a mediocracy!

September 1, 2008

The Life and Times of Sarah Palin: A Photo Tribute

There has been a lot of broo-hah-hah over the Republican VP pick in the past few days, like if she can sway jaded Hillary supporters, if her two-year stint as Alaskan governor is sufficient experience for the position, and why she, as the governor of the coldest state in the Union, only seems to be wearing sandals in every picture I see of her.

But we here at Bichitalk salute Palin for catapulting the image of women everywhere from historically oppressed by old, white men to now politically deferring to an old white man! Hats off to you, Sarah Palin, because you can’t wear them in the White House anyway.

We would like to pay homage to the epic journey leading up to her quest for the most useless office in the world with a brief overview of her laundry list of policies while in office:

2005 – Supports building a natural gas pipeline through wilderness reserves.

Caution: That personalized safety vest means business!

2006 – Defeats incumbent governor Frank Murkowski after slandering him and dealing under the table to ruin his career for many years. Sells governor’s jet, opts for sled dog transportation only.

If you were a human fetus, I would never rip you out of your mother’s womb, although I would really, really like to. Kthanks bye!

2006 – Foreshadows future plans for hyperbolic dead animal White House decorations. Close sources confirm she plans to put her favorite extinct species Johneus McCainus in the Oval Office. Palin with the future Chief of Staff and Defense Secretary

2008 – Opposes putting polar bears on the endangered species list. To placate public outcry, she starts dressing like one, eyeing her opponents like salmon with the same hungry madness: Palin is staunchly pro-button, even in the case of non-consensual pinning.

2008 – Nominated as John McCain’s VP running mate, although she is young enough to be his daughter. Campaign officials report that strategy has shifted to long daily hours collaboration between the two, in which he tests her on international geography flash cards before her 8:00 bedtime. 'The real question we have all been avoiding, I must say, is, where is Iraq?' That's a good question, Sarah Palin. You're not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions and stick to your (NRA) guns, and for that, we believe you'll make it all the way to the top.