Whoregon
Floridunce
Wisconsinner
Rude Island
Kansass
Oklahomely
Idaho
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I am suspending further posts as fast as you can say presidential debate to serve my country, or rather county, or, rather, campus, or maybe just the three people who read the Kansan by writing jokes for that student rag all semester. My loyalties lie elsewhere for the time being, so my infrequent posts will become non-existent here. Comfort yourself knowing that I am doing my part to keep the peace and liberty in this country one joke at a time, insuring with my dull wit that we can still live in a mediocracy!
September 26, 2008
September 1, 2008
The Life and Times of Sarah Palin: A Photo Tribute
There has been a lot of broo-hah-hah over the Republican VP pick in the past few days, like if she can sway jaded Hillary supporters, if her two-year stint as Alaskan governor is sufficient experience for the position, and why she, as the governor of the coldest state in the Union, only seems to be wearing sandals in every picture I see of her.
But we here at Bichitalk salute Palin for catapulting the image of women everywhere from historically oppressed by old, white men to now politically deferring to an old white man! Hats off to you, Sarah Palin, because you can’t wear them in the White House anyway.
We would like to pay homage to the epic journey leading up to her quest for the most useless office in the world with a brief overview of her laundry list of policies while in office:
2005 – Supports building a natural gas pipeline through wilderness reserves.
Caution: That personalized safety vest means business!
2006 – Defeats incumbent governor Frank Murkowski after slandering him and dealing under the table to ruin his career for many years. Sells governor’s jet, opts for sled dog transportation only.
If you were a human fetus, I would never rip you out of your mother’s womb, although I would really, really like to. Kthanks bye!
2006 – Foreshadows future plans for hyperbolic dead animal White House decorations. Close sources confirm she plans to put her favorite extinct species Johneus McCainus in the Oval Office.
Palin with the future Chief of Staff and Defense Secretary
2008 – Opposes putting polar bears on the endangered species list. To placate public outcry, she starts dressing like one, eyeing her opponents like salmon with the same hungry madness:
Palin is staunchly pro-button, even in the case of non-consensual pinning.
2008 – Nominated as John McCain’s VP running mate, although she is young enough to be his daughter. Campaign officials report that strategy has shifted to long daily hours collaboration between the two, in which he tests her on international geography flash cards before her 8:00 bedtime.
'The real question we have all been avoiding, I must say, is, where is Iraq?' That's a good question, Sarah Palin. You're not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions and stick to your (NRA) guns, and for that, we believe you'll make it all the way to the top.
But we here at Bichitalk salute Palin for catapulting the image of women everywhere from historically oppressed by old, white men to now politically deferring to an old white man! Hats off to you, Sarah Palin, because you can’t wear them in the White House anyway.
We would like to pay homage to the epic journey leading up to her quest for the most useless office in the world with a brief overview of her laundry list of policies while in office:
2005 – Supports building a natural gas pipeline through wilderness reserves.
Caution: That personalized safety vest means business!2006 – Defeats incumbent governor Frank Murkowski after slandering him and dealing under the table to ruin his career for many years. Sells governor’s jet, opts for sled dog transportation only.
If you were a human fetus, I would never rip you out of your mother’s womb, although I would really, really like to. Kthanks bye!2006 – Foreshadows future plans for hyperbolic dead animal White House decorations. Close sources confirm she plans to put her favorite extinct species Johneus McCainus in the Oval Office.
Palin with the future Chief of Staff and Defense Secretary2008 – Opposes putting polar bears on the endangered species list. To placate public outcry, she starts dressing like one, eyeing her opponents like salmon with the same hungry madness:
Palin is staunchly pro-button, even in the case of non-consensual pinning. 2008 – Nominated as John McCain’s VP running mate, although she is young enough to be his daughter. Campaign officials report that strategy has shifted to long daily hours collaboration between the two, in which he tests her on international geography flash cards before her 8:00 bedtime.
'The real question we have all been avoiding, I must say, is, where is Iraq?' That's a good question, Sarah Palin. You're not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions and stick to your (NRA) guns, and for that, we believe you'll make it all the way to the top.
July 15, 2008
The Blog Days of Summer
I have returned and essentially morphed into the iPhone 3G - unable to update and eventually obsolete. And for that, I apologize. But, thats the price you pay when you are a lazy college student with days packed to the brim with sloth and apathy. I really wish I had less time to spend on this thing, but alas, I am too free to do much of anything of un-fun these days.
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South Korea and Japan are in the midst of a heated argument over the territoriality of a group of islets in the Sea of Japan. Although Korea states that is ready and willing to “take strong countermeasures, including diplomatic, academic and administrative actions” to assert its sovereignty, the debates appears to be largely nominal. South Korea calls the groups of rocky islands Dokdo, Japan calls them Takeshima, while the rest of us still insist on calling the territory as, “huh?”
John McCain has likened himself to Teddy Roosevelt. While in office, he plans to name all stuffed animal dinosaurs after himself.
America’s terrorist list finally hit one million people when Angelina Jolie's twins entered the world as the two most lethally good-looking people.
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That’s all I have, really. I’m adopting Obama’s pull-out strategy for these posts – taking troops from the areas of least danger of being hilarious (now) and eventually bringing home troops from more dangerously comical areas (in two years when I update again). Maybe I’ll Photoshop a fourth joke into this post to make its hilarity even more unimpressive.
-----
South Korea and Japan are in the midst of a heated argument over the territoriality of a group of islets in the Sea of Japan. Although Korea states that is ready and willing to “take strong countermeasures, including diplomatic, academic and administrative actions” to assert its sovereignty, the debates appears to be largely nominal. South Korea calls the groups of rocky islands Dokdo, Japan calls them Takeshima, while the rest of us still insist on calling the territory as, “huh?”
John McCain has likened himself to Teddy Roosevelt. While in office, he plans to name all stuffed animal dinosaurs after himself.
America’s terrorist list finally hit one million people when Angelina Jolie's twins entered the world as the two most lethally good-looking people.
------
That’s all I have, really. I’m adopting Obama’s pull-out strategy for these posts – taking troops from the areas of least danger of being hilarious (now) and eventually bringing home troops from more dangerously comical areas (in two years when I update again). Maybe I’ll Photoshop a fourth joke into this post to make its hilarity even more unimpressive.
April 12, 2008
The Resurrection
I know, I know, I know, I have crucified this blog with laziness over the last few months. But sloth is a mortal sin, and something had to die for it, right? Okay, so Easter has come and gone and the metaphor scores way off the charts of the groan factor scale, but when your humor consists entirely of bad puns and the spontaneous slapstick of falling down any variation of stairs nearly every day on campus, you take what you can get, or desecrate in this case. So, consider this a belated re-birth, like if Jesus had woken up, done that rock-moving business, stretched his arms outside of the tomb and said through a yawn, "Now where is the other half of that broken bread? I get the whole guilty-by-association thing, but if Peter thinks he can deny me leftovers after seven days, hes got another thing coming," and then went to find some grub before ascending into heaven.
Perhaps the title of this post lends itself more to the analogy of an even worse sequel to a terrible horror movie. My wit has dried up like ketchup blood on a zombie. But like bad sequels, I will keep coming back time and time again, raking in minimum viewership, because you know, there just aren’t enough bloggers these days. It’s a tough job, but someone has to be a voice for the over-represented.
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A new study from a Duke University researcher found a correlation between the Apple logo and imagination. Participants who were exposed to the logo for a longer period time became more creative. Also, hungrier.
Rioters in Paris this week protested the summer Olympics in Beijing by successfully extinguishing the Olympic torch many times as it passed through the city. The protest backfired, as officials could just reach over and re-light it on the nearest burning flag.
George Lucas is suing a British prop maker for using the original Storm Trooper suit mold to make and sell replicas of the outfit, because the guy’s consumer base of thirty-year old guys living out of their parents basements have historically cheated the Star Wars brand out of revenue.
Another study has shown that iPods may interfere with pacemakers, giving a whole new listening experience to the song Achy Breaky Heart.
An obscure glacier in Chile has melted and caused a huge but non-fatal tsunami in a nearby river. Consequently, the country is changing its name from Chile to Hot Tamale (I told you my wit was rusty)
Hillary Clinton released a $4 billion anti-crime plan. Her main point in combating recidivism is personally promising to be criminals’ cell mate.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told you, it’s been a while, or two or three, really. From now on, you have my undying dedication to this blog until I forget about it again.
Add a comment
Perhaps the title of this post lends itself more to the analogy of an even worse sequel to a terrible horror movie. My wit has dried up like ketchup blood on a zombie. But like bad sequels, I will keep coming back time and time again, raking in minimum viewership, because you know, there just aren’t enough bloggers these days. It’s a tough job, but someone has to be a voice for the over-represented.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new study from a Duke University researcher found a correlation between the Apple logo and imagination. Participants who were exposed to the logo for a longer period time became more creative. Also, hungrier.
Rioters in Paris this week protested the summer Olympics in Beijing by successfully extinguishing the Olympic torch many times as it passed through the city. The protest backfired, as officials could just reach over and re-light it on the nearest burning flag.
George Lucas is suing a British prop maker for using the original Storm Trooper suit mold to make and sell replicas of the outfit, because the guy’s consumer base of thirty-year old guys living out of their parents basements have historically cheated the Star Wars brand out of revenue.
Another study has shown that iPods may interfere with pacemakers, giving a whole new listening experience to the song Achy Breaky Heart.
An obscure glacier in Chile has melted and caused a huge but non-fatal tsunami in a nearby river. Consequently, the country is changing its name from Chile to Hot Tamale (I told you my wit was rusty)
Hillary Clinton released a $4 billion anti-crime plan. Her main point in combating recidivism is personally promising to be criminals’ cell mate.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told you, it’s been a while, or two or three, really. From now on, you have my undying dedication to this blog until I forget about it again.
Add a comment
January 3, 2008
11th-Hour Confession Stunning This Reporter for at Least the Next 24
Mom Turns Modern
In a spontaneous yet candied interview with her reporter daughter and author of this blog, incumbent president of the Oberthaler household, my mother, has just announced she is a registered Democrat. This is an unexpected, move so late in the game for the long-time anti-abortion, anti-contraceptive, pro-Bush-in-2001-AND-2004, conservative contender. “My parents were registered Democrats,” she explained. “It was just natural for me to be one as well.”
Mom, who has over twenty-one years of experience serving as a delegate, chairwoman of the Bedtime Steering Committee, Lunchmoney Chamber of Commerce, daily dinner culinary artist, personal chauffeur when I was fifteen and STILL not allowed to get my restricted driving license, and of Director of Health and Human Services in the domestic sector of the Oberthaler household, has been a strong force throughout her time in office and during the campaign season.
Political analysts see the confession as an attempt to appeal to a younger and more expansive constituency. Despite her credentials and generous amounts of time, money, and, effort spent targeting the youth vote for “cool,” she had remained unpopular among her undecided and independent teenage children. They particularly took issue with her 2003 support of the decision to invade personal time with a barrage of chores. They also worry that her husband, former voter and major bread-winner for the family, is a major influence over her policies, especially the one where we have to wake her up at one in the morning when we get home on weekend nights even though we’re in college now and don’t really live here.
The tactic has succeeded in currying the favor of some – one young voter looked on in wonder as she described her surprisingly rational political stances and listened in awe as she called for someone experienced and resolute for the presidency. However, some question her newly unearthed loyalty to the Democratic party, however. When asked if she would have voted for Bush again given his performance during his terms in office, she waivered for a few moments. This hesitation worried many. She finally responded with a “No, I don’t think so” in her signature nonchalant tone, the same one she used to quiet special interest groups who asked her five times a day if they could get a cell-phone because all their other friends had them and it was so unfair.
The real questions that remain, however, are, is this too little, too late and, will this discredit her image as a steady, reliable candidate? The results of the upcoming caucuses and primaries and her actions leading up to them will answer these burning inquiries, especially what she gets me for my birthday.
In a related story, a massive exodus of pigs from barns occurred this evening. Sightings of winged pigs have been reported throughout the country. The Air Force made a timely response by deploying nearly half of its troops, and is expected to get the situation under control within the next few hours.
Let's Talk Us Some Caucus
If you haven't been living under a pile of useless Ron Paul buttons for the past few weeks, you know that caucus, primary, and election season is now upon us. Caucusers are pleased asked to practice safe techniques, as many candidates are hurt in the amateur, misguided, aimless shots of indecisive independents and moderates during the caucus season:
First, Keep your ballot in a double-folded, locked position when not in use if you are a Republican. If you are a Democrat, make sure to wear orange caps while out in the wild, marshy, folding-chair forays of the caucus wilderness so your union leader or boss can easily identify you and your choice.
Second, always caucus with a buddy. If you are a Republican, you have aid at hand if hit by either a stray Book of Mormon or a Bible that Romney and Huckabee supporters are likely to throw at one another. If you a Democratic, then you will have someone whom you can peer pressure into standing up for your candidate. Let’s keep the caucus spirit – and people – alive and well!
Serious Schmerious (This is the Section You Will Skip Halfway Through the First Paragraph)
A lot of people complain that the entire American election system -caucuses, primaries, the electoral college - undermines democracy by providing imperfect representation and a spoils system which doesn't guarantee the office to the winner of the popular vote. And I whole-heartedly agree. I think that it is duplicitous to headlock…rather, “help”… struggling countries into democracy when our system is so flawed. And I’ll be the first to admit that even though our ancestors decided to defiantly dump a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor (Did they even have Lemon Lipton Iced Tea beforehand? Definitely worth the tariffs), democracy cannot, and perhaps should not, flourish in every country. Our own country is a good example that democracy, at least in this day and age, is not necessarily synonymous with world prosperity and that evil forms of bureaucracy mean absolute chaos. (Secret government operatives secretly reading this blog with your secret machinery and secret national secrets, that was a red-flag sentence. I’m probably a secret Communist spy or other dangerous threat to the Union. So, you better stop wiretapping that couple having phone sex and start reading the rest of this blog. My site tracker has been a bit lonely these days.)
But, as it is, we are not other countries. We may have a defunct voting arrangement, but it’s more like a mostly-repulsive, but slightly-lovable three-legged dog. Sure, caucusing Democrats have to stand up in groups during a hours-long caucus that resembles picking basketball teams on the playground (sure to bring back bad memories for at least someone who was picked last.) But at least they are able to stand up because they didn't get their legs blown off by an insurgent bomb while trying to vote. Maybe I’m really overzealous as a finally of-age, first-time voter, but I’m personally looking forward to leaving the voting booth with all the body parts I came in with. At least one of our most viable candidates who could have had a positive impact at a time when the country needs it most didn't get assassinated weeks before the election. At least our elections aren’t outright rigged by any of the candidates, and if they are, we can take action without involving the U.N. Our candidates still earn their keep through sweat, blood, tears, insanely unnecessary amounts of campaign finance, and moving - albeit sometimes dishonest and amusingly misinformed – speeches. At least physical violence doesn’t erupt everywhere following an election. The worst any voter in this country will do after a disappointing election is write a really bitter blog. I’m shivering in my HTML just thinking about it.
Yeah, eventually we need to shoot our poor three-legged dog of an election system (well, two-legged if you don’t count independent parties) and put it out of its misery. But for now, it’s getting by, even if it is hobbling and slobbering all over everyone. Maybe I've just watched The Patriot too many times, but I still have faith in the American political system.
Well, as long as it doesn’t elected another Republican.
In a spontaneous yet candied interview with her reporter daughter and author of this blog, incumbent president of the Oberthaler household, my mother, has just announced she is a registered Democrat. This is an unexpected, move so late in the game for the long-time anti-abortion, anti-contraceptive, pro-Bush-in-2001-AND-2004, conservative contender. “My parents were registered Democrats,” she explained. “It was just natural for me to be one as well.”
Mom, who has over twenty-one years of experience serving as a delegate, chairwoman of the Bedtime Steering Committee, Lunchmoney Chamber of Commerce, daily dinner culinary artist, personal chauffeur when I was fifteen and STILL not allowed to get my restricted driving license, and of Director of Health and Human Services in the domestic sector of the Oberthaler household, has been a strong force throughout her time in office and during the campaign season.
Political analysts see the confession as an attempt to appeal to a younger and more expansive constituency. Despite her credentials and generous amounts of time, money, and, effort spent targeting the youth vote for “cool,” she had remained unpopular among her undecided and independent teenage children. They particularly took issue with her 2003 support of the decision to invade personal time with a barrage of chores. They also worry that her husband, former voter and major bread-winner for the family, is a major influence over her policies, especially the one where we have to wake her up at one in the morning when we get home on weekend nights even though we’re in college now and don’t really live here.
The tactic has succeeded in currying the favor of some – one young voter looked on in wonder as she described her surprisingly rational political stances and listened in awe as she called for someone experienced and resolute for the presidency. However, some question her newly unearthed loyalty to the Democratic party, however. When asked if she would have voted for Bush again given his performance during his terms in office, she waivered for a few moments. This hesitation worried many. She finally responded with a “No, I don’t think so” in her signature nonchalant tone, the same one she used to quiet special interest groups who asked her five times a day if they could get a cell-phone because all their other friends had them and it was so unfair.
The real questions that remain, however, are, is this too little, too late and, will this discredit her image as a steady, reliable candidate? The results of the upcoming caucuses and primaries and her actions leading up to them will answer these burning inquiries, especially what she gets me for my birthday.
In a related story, a massive exodus of pigs from barns occurred this evening. Sightings of winged pigs have been reported throughout the country. The Air Force made a timely response by deploying nearly half of its troops, and is expected to get the situation under control within the next few hours.
Let's Talk Us Some Caucus
If you haven't been living under a pile of useless Ron Paul buttons for the past few weeks, you know that caucus, primary, and election season is now upon us. Caucusers are pleased asked to practice safe techniques, as many candidates are hurt in the amateur, misguided, aimless shots of indecisive independents and moderates during the caucus season:
First, Keep your ballot in a double-folded, locked position when not in use if you are a Republican. If you are a Democrat, make sure to wear orange caps while out in the wild, marshy, folding-chair forays of the caucus wilderness so your union leader or boss can easily identify you and your choice.
Second, always caucus with a buddy. If you are a Republican, you have aid at hand if hit by either a stray Book of Mormon or a Bible that Romney and Huckabee supporters are likely to throw at one another. If you a Democratic, then you will have someone whom you can peer pressure into standing up for your candidate. Let’s keep the caucus spirit – and people – alive and well!
Serious Schmerious (This is the Section You Will Skip Halfway Through the First Paragraph)
A lot of people complain that the entire American election system -caucuses, primaries, the electoral college - undermines democracy by providing imperfect representation and a spoils system which doesn't guarantee the office to the winner of the popular vote. And I whole-heartedly agree. I think that it is duplicitous to headlock…rather, “help”… struggling countries into democracy when our system is so flawed. And I’ll be the first to admit that even though our ancestors decided to defiantly dump a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor (Did they even have Lemon Lipton Iced Tea beforehand? Definitely worth the tariffs), democracy cannot, and perhaps should not, flourish in every country. Our own country is a good example that democracy, at least in this day and age, is not necessarily synonymous with world prosperity and that evil forms of bureaucracy mean absolute chaos. (Secret government operatives secretly reading this blog with your secret machinery and secret national secrets, that was a red-flag sentence. I’m probably a secret Communist spy or other dangerous threat to the Union. So, you better stop wiretapping that couple having phone sex and start reading the rest of this blog. My site tracker has been a bit lonely these days.)
But, as it is, we are not other countries. We may have a defunct voting arrangement, but it’s more like a mostly-repulsive, but slightly-lovable three-legged dog. Sure, caucusing Democrats have to stand up in groups during a hours-long caucus that resembles picking basketball teams on the playground (sure to bring back bad memories for at least someone who was picked last.) But at least they are able to stand up because they didn't get their legs blown off by an insurgent bomb while trying to vote. Maybe I’m really overzealous as a finally of-age, first-time voter, but I’m personally looking forward to leaving the voting booth with all the body parts I came in with. At least one of our most viable candidates who could have had a positive impact at a time when the country needs it most didn't get assassinated weeks before the election. At least our elections aren’t outright rigged by any of the candidates, and if they are, we can take action without involving the U.N. Our candidates still earn their keep through sweat, blood, tears, insanely unnecessary amounts of campaign finance, and moving - albeit sometimes dishonest and amusingly misinformed – speeches. At least physical violence doesn’t erupt everywhere following an election. The worst any voter in this country will do after a disappointing election is write a really bitter blog. I’m shivering in my HTML just thinking about it.
Yeah, eventually we need to shoot our poor three-legged dog of an election system (well, two-legged if you don’t count independent parties) and put it out of its misery. But for now, it’s getting by, even if it is hobbling and slobbering all over everyone. Maybe I've just watched The Patriot too many times, but I still have faith in the American political system.
Well, as long as it doesn’t elected another Republican.
We Hate Us A Hiatus
[This was originally posted in December, but for some reason the internets gobbled it up. Either I accidentally deleted it, blogger deleted it, or the CIA flagged it as the dangerous, sensitive material it really is]
I am returning to you, you huddle masses, or just that one (if even) occasional reader, like a guilty dog with its tail between its legs. I know my hiatus has been a long duration which was insufferably bearable and terribly painless. My return is timely and parallels the season, though: I see Blogger as a manger that cultivated a revolutionary site in its infancy, sent by the great internet gods to save the masses from immoral journalism, a blog that will ultimately be destroyed by its followers when they realize it lacks wit or any inherent
Anyway, look for more and better updates as the holiday season progress. My satire is a bit rusty and, now that it is hip to be green, running on corn fueled brain juice, so it is in short supply and cuts my comic emissions by at least half.
So without further ado, here’s the update you forgot you were waiting for!
Parents Misuse Drug Abuse
Reports have surfaced that negligent parents are using Benadryl to control their hyperactive offspring. The medication contains diphenhydramine, which acts to sedate allergens and now, children. Parents seemingly utilize the drug while traveling on long flights with their children or while in other public settings. Doctors state that the use of Benadryl was completely unnecessary: “The kids are just being kids in most cases.” Doctors did not specify over the morality when kids are just being babies, aliens, or those annoying, sticky-fingered neighborhood boys who dress up as poor imitation Draculas and Power Rangers and ding-dong-ditch your doorbell every five minutes on Halloween (Yeah, you thought those little capsules were Good ‘N Plentys, didn’t you, you little punks). An "Eagle" columnist seconded concerns over parenting: “If you’re regularly slipping your kid Mickeys, you’re hitting the snooze button on parenting. You obviously don’t know what you’re doing. Smart parents don’t drug their kids up with Benadryl to keep them quiet. They use morphine.”
Sparks, Insults, Women’s Hygiene Products Fly Between Republican Candidates
Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has asked fellow candidate Mike Huckabee to apologize to President Bush regarding his criticism of Bush’s foreign policies. Huckabee critically responded to Romney’s criticism of his criticism, pointing fingers at Romney, saying “nany-nany-boo-boo” while claiming that Romney had flip-flopped on many issues while Huckabee himself has remained steadfast and strong in his opinions. Romney responded by calling Huckabee a “doodyhead,” prompting Huckabee to give Romney a swirly in the bathroom after 1st period and stuff his locker full of tampons.
U.S. Officials Worry Hand-Over Will Be a Real Bust-ra
British forces officially handed over control of the city of Basra today to Iraqi officials. The trade-off occurring, according to the Los Angeles Times, during a low-key ceremony: “Yeah, it was just us and a couple of our closest friends who have inhabited this region trying to force diplomacy onto us for the past four years. Nothing big, nothing ornate, low-key” said Basra governor Muhammad Musbih Wa'ili. Although Iraqis have been running the city since the British pull-out in September many express concern that this formal changing-of-the-guards will lead to an escalation in violence in the city and surrounding region. The future looked grim when Wa’ili and Maj. General Graham Binns signed the “Memorandum of Understanding” and Wa’ili was heard muttering under his breath, “So, what’s this thing mean again?” Others, however, herald the change as a momentous turning point in the war on terror and many natives look forward to a decline in foreign influence and resurgence of local culture. “Our traditions used to be so rich and vibrant. I can’t wait until we can fully celebrate Iraqi culture once more without fear” one local was overheard saying in a red phone booth as he bit into a scone and adjusted his monocle.
And Lastly
Insurgent kite-flying groups have resurged once again in Iraq. Under the strict Taliban rule, these fighting factions were repressed, but with the country’s infrastructure in ruins, the winged monsters have once again begun to terrorize the skies. “Not a day goes by that our men and civilians don’t get tangled in the strings of cross-fire between these triangular and rainbow-colored airborne threats,” said ----, “They light up the skies every day with their peaceful flights, and then, just when you think the coast is clear and the winds of their terror has subsided, one suicide bombs into the ground. We live every day in fear.” Fighting is so bad that returning soldiers are suffering from increasingly high rates of PTSD. One veteran reported having horrible flashbacks in which he will suddenly look into the sky and exclaim, “Ohhh, pretty!”
I am returning to you, you huddle masses, or just that one (if even) occasional reader, like a guilty dog with its tail between its legs. I know my hiatus has been a long duration which was insufferably bearable and terribly painless. My return is timely and parallels the season, though: I see Blogger as a manger that cultivated a revolutionary site in its infancy, sent by the great internet gods to save the masses from immoral journalism, a blog that will ultimately be destroyed by its followers when they realize it lacks wit or any inherent
Anyway, look for more and better updates as the holiday season progress. My satire is a bit rusty and, now that it is hip to be green, running on corn fueled brain juice, so it is in short supply and cuts my comic emissions by at least half.
So without further ado, here’s the update you forgot you were waiting for!
Parents Misuse Drug Abuse
Reports have surfaced that negligent parents are using Benadryl to control their hyperactive offspring. The medication contains diphenhydramine, which acts to sedate allergens and now, children. Parents seemingly utilize the drug while traveling on long flights with their children or while in other public settings. Doctors state that the use of Benadryl was completely unnecessary: “The kids are just being kids in most cases.” Doctors did not specify over the morality when kids are just being babies, aliens, or those annoying, sticky-fingered neighborhood boys who dress up as poor imitation Draculas and Power Rangers and ding-dong-ditch your doorbell every five minutes on Halloween (Yeah, you thought those little capsules were Good ‘N Plentys, didn’t you, you little punks). An "Eagle" columnist seconded concerns over parenting: “If you’re regularly slipping your kid Mickeys, you’re hitting the snooze button on parenting. You obviously don’t know what you’re doing. Smart parents don’t drug their kids up with Benadryl to keep them quiet. They use morphine.”
Sparks, Insults, Women’s Hygiene Products Fly Between Republican Candidates
Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has asked fellow candidate Mike Huckabee to apologize to President Bush regarding his criticism of Bush’s foreign policies. Huckabee critically responded to Romney’s criticism of his criticism, pointing fingers at Romney, saying “nany-nany-boo-boo” while claiming that Romney had flip-flopped on many issues while Huckabee himself has remained steadfast and strong in his opinions. Romney responded by calling Huckabee a “doodyhead,” prompting Huckabee to give Romney a swirly in the bathroom after 1st period and stuff his locker full of tampons.
U.S. Officials Worry Hand-Over Will Be a Real Bust-ra
British forces officially handed over control of the city of Basra today to Iraqi officials. The trade-off occurring, according to the Los Angeles Times, during a low-key ceremony: “Yeah, it was just us and a couple of our closest friends who have inhabited this region trying to force diplomacy onto us for the past four years. Nothing big, nothing ornate, low-key” said Basra governor Muhammad Musbih Wa'ili. Although Iraqis have been running the city since the British pull-out in September many express concern that this formal changing-of-the-guards will lead to an escalation in violence in the city and surrounding region. The future looked grim when Wa’ili and Maj. General Graham Binns signed the “Memorandum of Understanding” and Wa’ili was heard muttering under his breath, “So, what’s this thing mean again?” Others, however, herald the change as a momentous turning point in the war on terror and many natives look forward to a decline in foreign influence and resurgence of local culture. “Our traditions used to be so rich and vibrant. I can’t wait until we can fully celebrate Iraqi culture once more without fear” one local was overheard saying in a red phone booth as he bit into a scone and adjusted his monocle.
And Lastly
Insurgent kite-flying groups have resurged once again in Iraq. Under the strict Taliban rule, these fighting factions were repressed, but with the country’s infrastructure in ruins, the winged monsters have once again begun to terrorize the skies. “Not a day goes by that our men and civilians don’t get tangled in the strings of cross-fire between these triangular and rainbow-colored airborne threats,” said ----, “They light up the skies every day with their peaceful flights, and then, just when you think the coast is clear and the winds of their terror has subsided, one suicide bombs into the ground. We live every day in fear.” Fighting is so bad that returning soldiers are suffering from increasingly high rates of PTSD. One veteran reported having horrible flashbacks in which he will suddenly look into the sky and exclaim, “Ohhh, pretty!”
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