[This was originally posted in December, but for some reason the internets gobbled it up. Either I accidentally deleted it, blogger deleted it, or the CIA flagged it as the dangerous, sensitive material it really is]
I am returning to you, you huddle masses, or just that one (if even) occasional reader, like a guilty dog with its tail between its legs. I know my hiatus has been a long duration which was insufferably bearable and terribly painless. My return is timely and parallels the season, though: I see Blogger as a manger that cultivated a revolutionary site in its infancy, sent by the great internet gods to save the masses from immoral journalism, a blog that will ultimately be destroyed by its followers when they realize it lacks wit or any inherent
Anyway, look for more and better updates as the holiday season progress. My satire is a bit rusty and, now that it is hip to be green, running on corn fueled brain juice, so it is in short supply and cuts my comic emissions by at least half.
So without further ado, here’s the update you forgot you were waiting for!
Parents Misuse Drug Abuse
Reports have surfaced that negligent parents are using Benadryl to control their hyperactive offspring. The medication contains diphenhydramine, which acts to sedate allergens and now, children. Parents seemingly utilize the drug while traveling on long flights with their children or while in other public settings. Doctors state that the use of Benadryl was completely unnecessary: “The kids are just being kids in most cases.” Doctors did not specify over the morality when kids are just being babies, aliens, or those annoying, sticky-fingered neighborhood boys who dress up as poor imitation Draculas and Power Rangers and ding-dong-ditch your doorbell every five minutes on Halloween (Yeah, you thought those little capsules were Good ‘N Plentys, didn’t you, you little punks). An "Eagle" columnist seconded concerns over parenting: “If you’re regularly slipping your kid Mickeys, you’re hitting the snooze button on parenting. You obviously don’t know what you’re doing. Smart parents don’t drug their kids up with Benadryl to keep them quiet. They use morphine.”
Sparks, Insults, Women’s Hygiene Products Fly Between Republican Candidates
Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has asked fellow candidate Mike Huckabee to apologize to President Bush regarding his criticism of Bush’s foreign policies. Huckabee critically responded to Romney’s criticism of his criticism, pointing fingers at Romney, saying “nany-nany-boo-boo” while claiming that Romney had flip-flopped on many issues while Huckabee himself has remained steadfast and strong in his opinions. Romney responded by calling Huckabee a “doodyhead,” prompting Huckabee to give Romney a swirly in the bathroom after 1st period and stuff his locker full of tampons.
U.S. Officials Worry Hand-Over Will Be a Real Bust-ra
British forces officially handed over control of the city of Basra today to Iraqi officials. The trade-off occurring, according to the Los Angeles Times, during a low-key ceremony: “Yeah, it was just us and a couple of our closest friends who have inhabited this region trying to force diplomacy onto us for the past four years. Nothing big, nothing ornate, low-key” said Basra governor Muhammad Musbih Wa'ili. Although Iraqis have been running the city since the British pull-out in September many express concern that this formal changing-of-the-guards will lead to an escalation in violence in the city and surrounding region. The future looked grim when Wa’ili and Maj. General Graham Binns signed the “Memorandum of Understanding” and Wa’ili was heard muttering under his breath, “So, what’s this thing mean again?” Others, however, herald the change as a momentous turning point in the war on terror and many natives look forward to a decline in foreign influence and resurgence of local culture. “Our traditions used to be so rich and vibrant. I can’t wait until we can fully celebrate Iraqi culture once more without fear” one local was overheard saying in a red phone booth as he bit into a scone and adjusted his monocle.
And Lastly
Insurgent kite-flying groups have resurged once again in Iraq. Under the strict Taliban rule, these fighting factions were repressed, but with the country’s infrastructure in ruins, the winged monsters have once again begun to terrorize the skies. “Not a day goes by that our men and civilians don’t get tangled in the strings of cross-fire between these triangular and rainbow-colored airborne threats,” said ----, “They light up the skies every day with their peaceful flights, and then, just when you think the coast is clear and the winds of their terror has subsided, one suicide bombs into the ground. We live every day in fear.” Fighting is so bad that returning soldiers are suffering from increasingly high rates of PTSD. One veteran reported having horrible flashbacks in which he will suddenly look into the sky and exclaim, “Ohhh, pretty!”
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