11th-Hour Confession Stunning This Reporter for at Least the Next 24

Mom Turns Modern

In a spontaneous yet candied interview with her reporter daughter and author of this blog, incumbent president of the Oberthaler household, my mother, has just announced she is a registered Democrat. This is an unexpected, move so late in the game for the long-time anti-abortion, anti-contraceptive, pro-Bush-in-2001-AND-2004, conservative contender. “My parents were registered Democrats,” she explained. “It was just natural for me to be one as well.”

Mom, who has over twenty-one years of experience serving as a delegate, chairwoman of the Bedtime Steering Committee, Lunchmoney Chamber of Commerce, daily dinner culinary artist, personal chauffeur when I was fifteen and STILL not allowed to get my restricted driving license, and of Director of Health and Human Services in the domestic sector of the Oberthaler household, has been a strong force throughout her time in office and during the campaign season.

Political analysts see the confession as an attempt to appeal to a younger and more expansive constituency. Despite her credentials and generous amounts of time, money, and, effort spent targeting the youth vote for “cool,” she had remained unpopular among her undecided and independent teenage children. They particularly took issue with her 2003 support of the decision to invade personal time with a barrage of chores. They also worry that her husband, former voter and major bread-winner for the family, is a major influence over her policies, especially the one where we have to wake her up at one in the morning when we get home on weekend nights even though we’re in college now and don’t really live here.

The tactic has succeeded in currying the favor of some – one young voter looked on in wonder as she described her surprisingly rational political stances and listened in awe as she called for someone experienced and resolute for the presidency. However, some question her newly unearthed loyalty to the Democratic party, however. When asked if she would have voted for Bush again given his performance during his terms in office, she waivered for a few moments. This hesitation worried many. She finally responded with a “No, I don’t think so” in her signature nonchalant tone, the same one she used to quiet special interest groups who asked her five times a day if they could get a cell-phone because all their other friends had them and it was so unfair.

The real questions that remain, however, are, is this too little, too late and, will this discredit her image as a steady, reliable candidate? The results of the upcoming caucuses and primaries and her actions leading up to them will answer these burning inquiries, especially what she gets me for my birthday.

In a related story, a massive exodus of pigs from barns occurred this evening. Sightings of winged pigs have been reported throughout the country. The Air Force made a timely response by deploying nearly half of its troops, and is expected to get the situation under control within the next few hours.

Let's Talk Us Some Caucus

If you haven't been living under a pile of useless Ron Paul buttons for the past few weeks, you know that caucus, primary, and election season is now upon us. Caucusers are pleased asked to practice safe techniques, as many candidates are hurt in the amateur, misguided, aimless shots of indecisive independents and moderates during the caucus season:

First, Keep your ballot in a double-folded, locked position when not in use if you are a Republican. If you are a Democrat, make sure to wear orange caps while out in the wild, marshy, folding-chair forays of the caucus wilderness so your union leader or boss can easily identify you and your choice.

Second, always caucus with a buddy. If you are a Republican, you have aid at hand if hit by either a stray Book of Mormon or a Bible that Romney and Huckabee supporters are likely to throw at one another. If you a Democratic, then you will have someone whom you can peer pressure into standing up for your candidate. Let’s keep the caucus spirit – and people – alive and well!

Serious Schmerious (This is the Section You Will Skip Halfway Through the First Paragraph)

A lot of people complain that the entire American election system -caucuses, primaries, the electoral college - undermines democracy by providing imperfect representation and a spoils system which doesn't guarantee the office to the winner of the popular vote. And I whole-heartedly agree. I think that it is duplicitous to headlock…rather, “help”… struggling countries into democracy when our system is so flawed. And I’ll be the first to admit that even though our ancestors decided to defiantly dump a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor (Did they even have Lemon Lipton Iced Tea beforehand? Definitely worth the tariffs), democracy cannot, and perhaps should not, flourish in every country. Our own country is a good example that democracy, at least in this day and age, is not necessarily synonymous with world prosperity and that evil forms of bureaucracy mean absolute chaos. (Secret government operatives secretly reading this blog with your secret machinery and secret national secrets, that was a red-flag sentence. I’m probably a secret Communist spy or other dangerous threat to the Union. So, you better stop wiretapping that couple having phone sex and start reading the rest of this blog. My site tracker has been a bit lonely these days.)

But, as it is, we are not other countries. We may have a defunct voting arrangement, but it’s more like a mostly-repulsive, but slightly-lovable three-legged dog. Sure, caucusing Democrats have to stand up in groups during a hours-long caucus that resembles picking basketball teams on the playground (sure to bring back bad memories for at least someone who was picked last.) But at least they are able to stand up because they didn't get their legs blown off by an insurgent bomb while trying to vote. Maybe I’m really overzealous as a finally of-age, first-time voter, but I’m personally looking forward to leaving the voting booth with all the body parts I came in with. At least one of our most viable candidates who could have had a positive impact at a time when the country needs it most didn't get assassinated weeks before the election. At least our elections aren’t outright rigged by any of the candidates, and if they are, we can take action without involving the U.N. Our candidates still earn their keep through sweat, blood, tears, insanely unnecessary amounts of campaign finance, and moving - albeit sometimes dishonest and amusingly misinformed – speeches. At least physical violence doesn’t erupt everywhere following an election. The worst any voter in this country will do after a disappointing election is write a really bitter blog. I’m shivering in my HTML just thinking about it.

Yeah, eventually we need to shoot our poor three-legged dog of an election system (well, two-legged if you don’t count independent parties) and put it out of its misery. But for now, it’s getting by, even if it is hobbling and slobbering all over everyone. Maybe I've just watched The Patriot too many times, but I still have faith in the American political system.

Well, as long as it doesn’t elected another Republican.