This week, news broke that Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd conduct towards an undercover officer in a men’s bathroom in June. Allegedly, Craig tapped his foot and engaged in a number of other signals commonly used to initiate sex. Craig originally pleaded guilty to the charges, but now regrets his statement. “I am not gay,” Craig said, “It is a sad day for our country when you can’t even stand in the privacy of your own bathroom stall and tap your foot while humming the DreamGirls soundtrack.”
Hsu’s Clues: Shady Source of Funds Revealed
Democratic candidates vying for the presidential nomination have turned away thousands of campaign funds indirectly received from Norman Hsu, who turned himself in after years spent avoiding serving a sentence for grand theft. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have both donated Hsu’s contributions to charity; John Edwards has contributed the entirety of his lofty share to the “Exile Style Foundation,” a new organization dedicated to giving expensive haircuts to cosmetically deprived fugitives and founded in response to the alarming state of Hsu’s ‘do:
“Hey, check out the catarack on that one!”
A new study has found that the elderly engage in more sexual activity than anyone ever thought or wanted to think about. After stopping their collective cringing, readers realized the fallacies in this report when the only source cited was “The Girls Next Door.”
Weapons of Mass Construction Hit Too Close to Home
Scientists have uncovered a gigantic spider web near Dallas, Texas. The infrastructure is strong, formed by many difference Iraqnid cells cooperating together. Alarmed by their weapons of mass construction, the state of Texas has deployed troops to the area. Freddie Gowan, park ranger, was cited in the NYT confirming that terrorism is not limited to one area, but a serious threat plaguing even the freest acres: “[The spiders] are spreading out for sure. They’re going to take over.” Given the increased tension between the Iraqnids and the U.S., a recent web video circulated by the say that if capture is imminent for Osama bin Long-Legged, his body guards would kill him.
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