Bankruptcy: The Final Frontier

Tom Etheredge, owner and operator of Wild West World, apparently wore spurs too big for his boots because after just two months in operation, the saloon doors have swung shut on the amusement park. This last week, the park filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Although the closing came swiftly, the park did not materialize with equal celerity: “[My wife and I] spent many hours in prayer over this dream” where God manifested his destiny in the form of over-priced plastic sheriff badges, canteens, and Annie Oakley Pez Dispensers.

But, alas, God was surely an impatient thrill-seeker and could not wait for the proposed 2008 rollercoaster that “only the bravest cowboys would lasso,” thus plotted with his cohort, Mother Nature, to destroy the park. Etheredge blamed torrential early summer rains and a tornado that occurred the day before the opening in a town just 110 miles away from the park for his financial problems: “The entire State was in shock as a result of the catastrophic Greensburg tornado the night before that wiped a nearby community literally off the map.” He’s just jealous that all this publicity still hasn’t replaced the permanent “Greensburg Recovery” box on the Eagle website, which provides breaking, up-to-the-minute coverage of people re-spackling their kitchens.

Etheredge also turned on the Eagle, citing that all the media attention was hurting his ability to sell Wild West Poor-ld to potential buyers. It definitely wasn’t all that icky money trouble, that’s for sure! To defend his innocence, Etheredge pointed to other disasters of the same magnitude as the closing: "Blaming me for all of this is like going into Greensburg or going into New Orleans and saying, 'You guys should have done better; you should have planned better.' Yep, good thing nobody never, ever said anything of that sort to Micheal Brown.

Reaction to the closing has been largely negative and has prompted a heated debate about other failed amusements around the city and the success of future ventures, such as the downtown arena and proposed casino, opinions that the Eagle has been reporting closely. Some put faith in the Wichita economy, while some vehemently argue that Wichita is merely a ghost town or a knock of Kansas City, where everything’s up-to-date. Many declare that the West is dead, and should too be so as entertainment (Uh, have they not seen Dances with Wolves?!) One thing’s certain about these opinions though- there ain’t room in this town for the both of ‘em! Clearly, we better just tie those unpatriotic townies to the railroad tracks now before votin’ time comes ‘round!

Those financially involved in the park have expressed significant concern regarding their investments and Etheredge’s responsibility. Many investments involved “largely undocumented verbal agreements,” where the two men spat in their hands then shook on it. Thus, private investigators are exploring the legality of Etheredge’s actions. The inquiry gained significant ground when they hired Sacajawea to head the exploration. Swaddling her baby on her back, she foraged around in the wild paperwork, scouted the empty park from time-to-time atop the highest roller-coaster with her hand placed on her furrowed brow, and said in that ethereal, Indian manner, “Yes, a lawsuit is this way.” In the event that Etheredge is found guilty of fraud, an old-fashioned shoot-out will take place in the town square. For now, Etheredge is simply hanging in the scaffold. Fruit-throwing will be permitted between the hours of 12-2 pm daily, and admission is free.

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A recent report has found that using iPods may pose a threat during storms. Many testimonies have come from injured parties. One man, who said he was casually minding his own business while taking his usual run around the block during a thunderstorm, said he sustained “chest and neck burns, ruptured eardrums, and a broken jaw” when lightening struck him and his device. Also newly unearthed threats: jogging, holding metal objects during storms, stupidity

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A new law has been passed that prohibits negligent parents who are behind on child support payments from gaining hunting and fishing licenses. Large communities of hunter-gatherers have already protested at the Capitol Building to argue that killing game IS child support. Unfortunately, their concerns rang silent on the ears of lawmakers as the legislature also conveniently named English as the state’s official language this week, winning in a very close margin over Cro-Magnonish.

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Also, now that Wild West World has closed, the State has provided an incentive for Western-themed entertainment by offering tax credits to moviemakers who set their films in Kansas. Again, have they seen Dances With Wolves? Been there, done that.

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Good news! The number of crimes in Wichita has plummeted this year by less than one percent! Unfortunately, the statistic regained its original level this week as a man died from wounds sustained by being run-over by his own slow-moving car which he accidentally put in reverse instead of park. Also, homicide has increased significantly. Police are still scratching their heads to crack the case on how homicide does not qualify as a crime.

OTHER BREAKING NEWS:

I’m sleeping with the enemy. Or, rather, the enemy is sleeping with me. I can’t decide who has the upper-hand in this situation yet – but, as it is, the Eagle has landed…on my blog. The Eagle staff not only knows of my existence, but has posted a link of it on their own website. Although I am surprised by the endorsement and confused as to why they used my full birth name, the editors go to great pains to distance themselves from me: “Check out this cool [but really, really snarky blog.] It’s funny [but really mean, offensive, and did I mention snarky? We don’t need any of this sort of unpatriotic, liberal propaganda around these parts, no siree!] Here’s a link to it! It’s proof young adults actually read the newspaper [and are extremely cynical, and, snarky, definitely snarky”] But, a huge commendation to Theresa Johnson for being kind enough to post about my blog, the favor is not lost on me and my puny, unknown blog. Right now, I can only aspire to one day be named a scapegoat for all of Tom Etheredge's woes. But, as it is, I hope I still have time for blogging now that I'm Wichita public enemy #1, what with all the baby-kissing, ribbon-cutting, parade-attending I’m sure to be busy with after all this publicity. Maybe I can even be in a Spangles commercial! To see me and Bichitalk in all our celebrity, go here: http://blogs.kansas.com/the_editors_desk/

Also, I’m entering a humor writing contest and would really appreciate some reader feed-back. I have my favorite pieces, but my opinion is entirely biased and unreliable. Also, this contest is sponsored by a Scottish publishing company, so I need to submit a fake report with international appeal, not one rooted in local information, which is, um, the entire purpose of my blog. But, if you could tell me which ones you think might win the hearts of those cold, ruthless UK bookies, I’d really appreciate it. The deadline isn’t until December, so hopefully I can start some covering national news in the coming posts. But I don’t know, I’m scared to barter in the world market. I hear there are terrorists out in International Newsland. Some of them are even the less pesticide-covered, home-grown sort, and who wants all that healthy, unsynthetic terror? It savors too much of raw governmental incompetency.

Well, this post was unnecessarily long. I better receive an equally proportional amount of comments inciting a discussion about how I’m discussing how everyone is discussing the discussion on Wichita entertainment. Until next week, yours truly.