Well, as you know, yesterday was supposed to be the luckiest day ever, but unfortunately, the Eagle still went to press. But luckily, you have me to sift out the foolishness with my sieve of truth and bake it a much less absurd concoction:

Pro-hops-bition
The world can finally bring their speakeasies out into the open, as the petition to ban a new law allowing the sale of alcohol on Sundays failed this week. Starting tomorrow, liquor stores in Wichita and twelve surrounding townships can now maintain business from twelve to five on Sundays. The petition, driven by pastor Wade Moore, failed because over forty percent of the signatures were found to be invalid (Dead give-aways: Balthazar, Leviticus, Machabees). Some religious heads embrace the bill, rejoicing the day has come that they can finally stop serving all that Welch’s and go straight for the Chardaney. Yet, many are still fighting the law even in the face of adversity. Catholics especially mourn the sharp drop in attendance now that mass will become obsolete as an alcoholic watering hole. (Scribes in the Vatican are hastily rewriting the Communion Rite to say “This is my blood, the one true and ever-lasting covenant, it will be shared for you and for all in the form of a nice, cold brewskie”) Overall, Moore condensed the potential harm the law may impose into a concise statement, saying that new law opens “a door for the enemy to come in to do something more destructive.” Like releasing newly-converted Paris Hilton from jail.

Praining
Floods and severe rainfall continue to plague parts of Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. Reporters and critics have pinpointed a variety of scapegoats for past catastrophic weather, from global warming and President Bush. This natural disaster has a direct source, however; Alabama Governor Bob Riley. To battle the recent heat in the state, Riley has issued a “Pray for Rain Campaign.” His crusade against drought encourages all Alabamians to put their head in the clouds and plead the good Lord to send some rain. Jerry Newby, CEO of the Alabama Farmer’s Federation, endorses the Campaign, saying that local farmers desire their fellow Alabamians’ blessings to save their barren fields, a clear violation of the “Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s rain stick” commandment. Yet, the ignorance of Riley’s theistic appellation overrides his concern for his constituency: The last time a political agenda was used to push copious amounts of rainfall, the world took a permanent underwater nap during an all-continent-consuming flood, in what political analysts are calling the best erasure of a paper-trail next to deleting e-mails. It also reveals his gross over-estimation in God’s geographical knowledge as Mr. Almighty missed by three states. Riley’s next campaign: convincing farmers to mow a huge arrow in their ruined fields pointing towards Alabama. In a related story: investment in large wooden vessels is experiencing its largest increase since the ark’s wildly successful joint-“Comfort for Carpenters”-advertising campaign with Biblical Birkenstocks popular in the A.D. 40’s.

Opinion Line pick of the week:
“The police know of 3,154 documented gang members? Arrest them!”
The U.S. Government knows of a one Scooter Libby? Let him go!