In Local and State:
Senator Sam Brownback reportedly flipped and flopped like a salmon swimming upstream this week when voting on an immigration bill. Only minutes after swiftly backing the bill, Brownback retract his support. Brownback said he planned the ‘ol switch-eroo all along, reportedly inspired after watching his favorite movie, The Parent Trap. He said he the conscious indecision served to prove a point – that he has been confusing Congressional sessions with participation on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” all along. Although Brownback confidently proclaimed pre-meditation, he continued to flip-flop about his flip-flopping, hinting that his retraction was a spontaneous conclusion: “I became convinced along with my colleagues on the floor that this version of the bill was not, and would not become, the vehicle that would fix our broken system.” (He then muttered under his breath “I could have sworn all that voting was the Ask the Audience part.”) When asked his final answer on the immigration problem, Roberts declined to comment further, turning instead one of his aides to ask if he could phone a friend. He then leaned over to Pat Roberts, asking “Hey, have you figured out how to use these little ballot doo-hickeys yet?

On the Front Page:
Reports of the holocaust of the Blackberry increased exponentially this weekend. Apple has “quietly disposed” of these scapegoats for years, but mass graves were exposed on Friday when hoards of people flung the devices into trashcans in pursuit of the newer, inferior craze- the iPhone. Queues of people lined up outside of AT&T stores on Friday to get their hands on the revolutionary device, only to discover the product to be nothing more than a rotten Apple. The new device, which marks the death of the traditional phone and the birth of absolute nonsense, comes equipped with iTunes, internet access, and a large hammer for beating yourself over the head with for spending so much money on a completely useless product, and appears to be suffering from a fatal case of activationitis. The devoted consumers, who defended their purchase of the multi-purpose phone in defense of liebenstraum – or “living stupidity,” quickly realized the phones’ inability to actually turn on. Left vulnerable to the elements of wild, non-electronic world, most became traumatized from the face-to-face interaction. One disgruntled iPhoner expressed his horror, proclaiming, “Society is absolutely savage these days. It seems to have regressed way back to 1995. Do you know some people actually still use body language? When presented with that foreign alternative, the payphone, consumers became frustrated when they realized that pressing buttons were not sending text-messages but instead torturously forcing them to have actual conversations. Tragically, feeling despondent and disconnected from the world many could only figure out one effective use for the corded phone- as a noose, especially after seeing the outrageous amount on the receipt. Consequently, no one could be reached for comment for this story. When AT&T representatives were confronted about problems, they noted confidently that “glitches had been minor and isolated” then giggled softly to themselves, saying, “You mean, they haven’t figured out the phones are plastic and filled with candy yet?”

Elsewhere:
Law enforcement officers arrested a professional flutist last week for terrorizing the mean streets of Philadelphia with his boisterous tunes. The arrest occurred as part of an ongoing “crackdown on street performers” in an effort to satiate noise complaints from local residents. The complaints did not reprimand the performer’s music as much asprotest his constant verbal defense for his heterosexuality. The criminal was cited as often shouting loudly at regular corner saxophonist, “Stop it, I am NOT a girly-man!” Police are still investigating last month’s bloody scuffle between the city’s biggest rival gangs – the Winds and the Strings – which injured at least twenty civilians who incurred severe paper cuts when caught in the deadly cross-fire of sheet-music the two factions were throwing at one another.
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I’m sorry that, like this next pun, this was a weak week. It seems my wit decreases proportionally to my schedule’s availability, which as oflate, has been non-existent. Check back periodically throughout the upcoming week for improvement. Perhaps this week’s nonsense will beget better nonsense.