Obesity Declared Newest STD: Stupidly Transmitted Disease

A new study on obesity weighed heavily on the news this week. Recent research suggests that having an overweight friend or family member might make one more susceptible to weight gain– regardless of the distance between one's friend and oneself. The researchers explain that having obese acquaintances make people re-evaluate their views of acceptable body images.

So, in the true spirit of eliminating discrimination again body types, one researcher suggests, “Why not make friends with a thin person […] and let the thin person’s behavior influence you and your obese friend?” Many publications running this story included diagrams at this point of the article demonstrating how to ensnare one of these slender people (latin name thinium anorexius). The most popular method used language understandable to the target audience, telling readers how to team up and “sandwich” their prey between their large girths. Once caught, the next step involves asking the new quarry to demonstrate how to politely excuse oneself to the restroom after every meal and effectively tickle one’s Adam’s Apple to maximize weight loss.

Yet the thin population is not the only institution at risk during this outbreak: Germ theory has also come under attack, as researchers hinted that this epidemic might result from air-born bodies: “If the new research is correct, it might mean that something in the environment seeded what may be called an obesity epidemic.” This epidemic also seems to be causing a joint plague – useless journalism. The New England Journal of Meidicine first published the study’s results on Thursday, and within hours new magazines all over the nation glazed their covers with the tasty headline. Wide-spread panic quickly ensued as people geared up to fight the pandemic. Infected parties were quickly quarantined to local YMCAs, diet pills flew off the shelves, millions of copies of Heavy Weights were burned en masse, and when sanitation masks ran out, people resorted to holding cuts of steak to their mouths, only exacerbating the situation further. No word yet has come from the government whether or not it will institute marshal law to contain the outbreak, but a report is expected as soon as the Cabinet is done watching doctors replace the Energizer Bunny powering Dick Cheney’s heartbeat with the more evil-looking rodent from Donnie Darko.

Not a Sober Association

NASA’s credibility experienced some technical difficulties this week as reports of sabotaged computers and inebriated astronauts surfaced. On at least two occasions, NASA pilots were found to have violated the twelve-hour abstinence period required before every launch. Although these accusations seem recent, NASA missions have long orbited around alcohol, especially after the Gemini mission when a new water gun made injecting liquid into food and beverage containers first possible and taking shots out of those toothpaste-tube-looking containers much more enticing.

In a shocking expose, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrine revealed he received his semi-famous nickname after he and Neil Armstrong became known as the first men to win at Beer Pong in a zero-gravity. He also commented in a bitter voice on Neil’s celebrity: “Worst night ever to pick the short straw for DD.” He went on to disclose that Neil’s famous quip is a re-write, and that Armstrong originally said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for my stomach! Outta my way, she’s gonna blow!” and, mistaking the nearest crater for a toilet, promptly regurgitated his previous night’s intake while Aldrine held back his oxygen tank and patted him on the back like a good friend, muttering in annoyance, “Houston, we have lift-off.”

In light of these allegations, NASA’s shuttle Endeavor, which was scheduled for launch on August 7^th to continue maintenance on the space stations, has been postponed. Installing all those new kegs could look mighty suspicious now.

Going Once, Going Twice...(How long do we go if no one wants it?)

Wild West World owner/operator/debtor Tom Etheredge would have hung his hat on the resignation peg ages ago if he could have still afforded either a hat or a peg. Seldom has been heard an encouraging word and the skies have been cloudy all this last month for Etheredge, and now, lassoed by the throes of bankruptcy, he was forced to auction off his homestead and the popular Prairie Rose Chuckwagon Supper club this week. When the Eagle broke the story, Etheredge reported to the newspaper. “I don’t have any comment about it…I had to sell that too.” The auction room fell silent when it went up for bid. People coughed uncomfortably and slowly placed their paddles below their chairs. To fill the awkward silence Etheredge jingled his spurs and broke into a rendition of that great patriotic tune “This land was my land, this land’s now your land.”

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Well, that’s it for this week. If any of you have web design skills (as I know many of you do) and would be willing for little or no payment (emphasis on the no...unless you accept abstract currency, like camaraderie and loyalty) to make my site attractive to the occasional internet traveler who only reads my site because their browser happens to break down in front of it, please contact me. I’m the sort of person who has not entirely abandoned the assumption that the Internet is just a large piece of latticework used to catch butterflies or that little elves operate the World Wide Web out of a tree in some secluded knoll in a magical forest like in those Keebler commercials, but with more wiring. So I need lots of help and guidance getting into this whole “HTML” thing kids are doing these days, and if you’re offer your services, I’m accepting. I will give you some fancy recognition (that you’ll have to design yourself) on my site and push your business cards onto everyone I know. If you could just write the link to my site on the back of the cards in advance, that would save me some time, though.